clueless.............

does it takes so hard to be happy everyday? do i have to give up on something so that i can be happy? do i have to sacrifice what i've been building all these 15 years to return to the Xi Tian who is always cheerful? do i really have to do that? do i have to do it all over again? i dun wan to! if i have to redo it, i'll be 30 years old when i'm done. what should i do? i dun wan to give up! but i feel very hurt now. hurt by those who i think the closest to me when im young. but i realise that she are not that close actually. now i barely talk to my mom. i've been trying so hard to do wat she tells me to. but when i reach at this age, i have my own opinion on certain things. i feel very hurt by her words. its like slicing me. i dunno wat should i do now.

today i felt so fake at school. i dunno how i can make that smile and laughter exist. i'm pretending to be happy which i feel very very FAKE. but i dun wan people to see me emo. but sometimes when its too much, i can't control myself.

i think it needs time to fade....i'm really cluless..................

tired of myself...............