is this counted as depression? is yes, im back to depression mode again........

exam is just two weeks from now. i'll be having 2 weeks exam straight!!!!! first the mid-term then the dianogstick. omg...............i really dunno wat i should do............im so stress up..........its not even there yet.................

today the simulasi is fun. i became the first-aider which is not a good one.........did something wrong to the wrong person..........=.= get kicked by someone on the head............dizzy and pain...........even now still suffering............T.T trauma victims act very good...........i even thought they really got into that situation...............especially one who cries........omg she's so real......make me wanna cry too.......

haiz...............sick of myself for being so weak and being the weak-link that will make others dissapointed............

clueless.............

does it takes so hard to be happy everyday? do i have to give up on something so that i can be happy? do i have to sacrifice what i've been building all these 15 years to return to the Xi Tian who is always cheerful? do i really have to do that? do i have to do it all over again? i dun wan to! if i have to redo it, i'll be 30 years old when i'm done. what should i do? i dun wan to give up! but i feel very hurt now. hurt by those who i think the closest to me when im young. but i realise that she are not that close actually. now i barely talk to my mom. i've been trying so hard to do wat she tells me to. but when i reach at this age, i have my own opinion on certain things. i feel very hurt by her words. its like slicing me. i dunno wat should i do now.

today i felt so fake at school. i dunno how i can make that smile and laughter exist. i'm pretending to be happy which i feel very very FAKE. but i dun wan people to see me emo. but sometimes when its too much, i can't control myself.

i think it needs time to fade....i'm really cluless..................

tired of myself...............

its not as bad as i thought

today i had my second ear piercing........the first time i pierced, i grew back so i went to pierce it again. its not as painful as i thought coz the first time i pierce my ears, its very painful. i dunno why, this time it seem not that painful compared to last time.

Happy Sister Day!!!

Today is sister day. I wish all my 'sisters' Happy Sister Day! I love all of you. Now and always.
My sisters:

• Fui Teng
• Wern Xin
• Yan Yuan
• Joo Er
• Ana
• Yee Shan
• Sook Shian
• Sabrina
• Xian Jin
• Rocyie
• Wani
• Xin Hui
• Shaz
• Hyn-Yi
• Eu Nis
• Keet Mann
• Yu Han
• Jeng Yee
• Sher Ee
• Zi Yao
• Sheau Li
• Sheau Wen
• See Kee
• Wei Hwei
• Yuvee
• Victoria
• Vivien
• Shi Ern
• Nadhirah
• Maryam
• Nurbaya
• WCY (even if you don love me, i still love you)

the reason why Serene is not in the list is because she is mummy not sister. But i love you Serene.

i wonder is this a depression mode or something else?

today i want to the book fair with sabrina (the form 3 one), kimberly ( the form 3 one also) and hyn-yi....... at first thought of cleaning the bilik sakit with hyn-yi first but its cancelled........so? we walked to kimberly's dad's car and go to pwtc. we changed our clothes (i'm so the not going to walk around pwtc with the school uniform) and had our lunch. after that we were like walking without around looking...............and the we found a booth (i'm not sure is it right) with storybooks.........i bought Twilight and New Moon for RM52.50 which is very cheap coz original price is RM 75.......its too bad that there are no Eclipse and Breaking Dawn there T.T........then we went to buy some exercise books for hyn-yi's brother and sister............i bought 4 for myself..............then me and hyn-yi went out and head for home. we try to find the lrt station but failed. so we took a cab to go home. i felt very bad and sorry to hyn-yi after reading her blogpost just now that she got scolded by her parents.

when i reached home.........i was so tired i had a shower and lie down............i'm tired but not sleepy. i dunno why. most people sleep when they feel tired..............then my dad come home today. he, my mom and my grandma went to the dunno wat dinner............... and i was left alone at home. and now i blogging after watching twilight that i borrowed from my friend..........

actually before my mom go, i argue with her.............i dunno why she must talk about my academics? why must she always make me depressed when my mood just improved? i already tried my best but she just doesn't believe it. i wonder what she wants from me actually..........i'm really clueless.......... actually i know she don wan me to follow my brother's footsteps but i'm not following his footsteps!!!!! if i really did, i will not study now...........really!!!!!!!!! i really wan to make her understand this but she just ignore me.........wat should i do?

Depression mode 6。。。。。。

sick of myself....
sick of the way i wan things to go my way and sometimes forgot wat other people feel......
sick of my attitude............
sick of everything i've to everyone.........
i better keep my mouth shut for now...........
i dun wanna hurt anyone again.............
its better that im hurt than hurting other people especially those who i really care..........

hate myself to the MAX!

Depression mode 5。。。。。。

intervensi is over for now.
but more exams to come (tats wat teacher said)
still feeling im a failing in my life day by day.
learn something new today at pbsm meeting.
inter-group kawad competition is coming soon.
group together with eunis's group.
feel very depressed
why am i failing in my life?
dunno wat to do with my life.........
feel very bad now.............

Depression mode 4。。。。。。

i wonder i can answer the questions for the test tomorrow or not............ when i open the reference book, i realise that im not reading it. im juz staring at it!!!!!!!!! omg!!!!!!!!! i dunno wat i can do now........ im too depressed even to study for my tests. wat is going to happen to me tomorrow!!!!!! i really dunno wat to do..........i feel my mind is blocking the facts from going in.......... i feel like im a weak-link.......i really hates myself for wat i am now.............

Depression mode 3。。。。。。

i juz can't bear with it anymore. why must you tell be about the treasure hunt this morning? do you know how many times i'm late for my classes juz to find someone as my group member? why am i so stupid that i can't think of the solution for the next clues? why am i having cough and dizzyness? why must there be so many things to do for form 3? why must there be so many exams? why must there be so many homework? why can't i skip the tuition juz for once? why must i have nightmares when i really need to have some sleep? why? why? why?

i'm damn sick of myself!!!! sick of everything happen around me............

Depression mode 2。。。。。。

since most of my friends complain they dunno wat im writing so i think it's time for me to change back to english mode..........
why am i so depressed?
i am depressed becoz many unhappy things just bump into my life.
i am depressed becoz i have no one to talk to.
i am depressed becoz i did not expect it to come.......
i am depressed becoz i found out im a super duper weak person.........
i am depressed becoz my mood can totally changed becoz if something tat people called small matter
i am depressed becoz i hate myself
i am depressed becoz i dunno how to face myself anymore
i am depressed becoz tomorrow more things to come and im not sure whether i can bear with it or not
i am depressed becoz i dun have anyone who is willing to lend me a shoulder for me to cry

i really hate myself for being so weak and depressed

Depression mode。。。。。。

我不懂我怎么了。。。。突然感觉很depressed。。。。。。每一天我还是不开心。。。。为什么我不能开心呢？为什么要这样对我？我做错了什么？如果我不小心让到你不开心，我很对不起。。请你原谅我。。。那是因为我背太多我不明白的事情在我脑海里。。。。。真的很对不起。。。

really hates myself........

i really HATE myself!!!!!!!!! why can't i juz do wat i should do? why? why?

yesterday i'm very happy during the cross country event........ but when i reach home................

bad news come one after another................i wan to tell someone how sad i am but i have no one to talk to.........

and i juz realise i forgot to attend my piano aural classes..............WTF...............i really hate myself...................

我又病了。我有那么弱吗？很不喜欢每一天。当我开心的时候不开心的事情又来了。。为什么？为什么？一定要这样吗？不能给我每一天开心的活下去吗？？

random................

juz ignore the title.................

why?why? why?

everyday i will at least argue once with my mom.why?

i dun wanna argue...........i have enough of argues with my friends at school........

i dun wanna argue at home!!!!!!!!!!

dun really know wat she wants..................

i'm clueless..............

everytime argue with her my mood drops to -100..........

i'm not exaggerating. its true..........

i dun like to argue. i'll try not to argue with anyone if i can..........

一句话...好不开心哦!!!!.........好想哭哦!!!!!!!!!!!

我太无聊了

zanarkand-final fantasy X

。。。。。。。。

虽然今天是开心的一天。但是不开心的事情比开心的事情很多。。。啊。。。。。我不要啊。。。很不开心。不开心!!!

april fool

today i went to petronas with wei hwei, eu nis, fui teng, sook shian and xian jin....... all of us bought ribenna except xian jin (low fat yogurt so healthy!!)

then we have our talks which is very very funny..............i never laugh so much in my life..............

haha, today is april fool..........i fooled ppl but ppl cannot fool me.........so happy.........