I've been trying very hard to be optimistic but this is my limit. Since I was born, I am given a threshold that I have to reach. After I achieved the threshold, there will be another high threshold. There's no end to it. I want to enjoy life like my peers do. Travelling, making new experience, meeting new people. I'm thirsty for those experiences. How I wish I could join them when I see their invitations. How I wish I can be in the photos that they uploaded on social medias. I know I should be grateful that I have a complete family, a roof over my head, bountiful of food on the table for every meal. But still, I'm just 21. I'm a hot blooded young adult who want to explore the world. Not till the limit where I neglect my responsibility as a child but I do feel unfair most of the time. I'm in charge of the household chores and stuff. I know I should help out whenever I can but I can't help but feeling frustrated. And I'm totally ashamed to feel this way. It's just not fair. He can do whatever he want while I need to ask for permissions and plan my schedule according to your liking. Tonight, I felt that it's the best to just stop chasing my dreams and just stay at home and do whatever that you wanted me to do. Often I feel afraid. Afraid that I will disappoint you. You always say "its okay, you did your best." But you act the other way round. I feel pressured every time the exam seasons come. I feel pressured when my friends invite me to somewhere. I'm even anxious when I receive an opportunity to gain experiences. I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. All I know is I need to fulfil all your needs in order to be entitled as a good child or I'm a shame of the family. I'm grateful of the effort that you put to raise me up and that's why I can't say it out loud to u. I just need a place to write all this out.