I don't know what did I get myself into. I'm supposed to study for my finals now. My finals begin in three days time and yet on the 25th, I need to participate in a singing competition, singing Malay song. I don't have the mood for this. I just want to focus on my finals. Is that too much to ask? Why can't you just reject them? All universities are having their finals now. Can't we focus on ours? Can't we? You know how important finals are to me. And yet you are doing this to me. Why? Why? Just........why?

I've been trying very hard to be optimistic but this is my limit. Since I was born, I am given a threshold that I have to reach. After I achieved the threshold, there will be another high threshold. There's no end to it. I want to enjoy life like my peers do. Travelling, making new experience, meeting new people. I'm thirsty for those experiences. How I wish I could join them when I see their invitations. How I wish I can be in the photos that they uploaded on social medias. I know I should be grateful that I have a complete family, a roof over my head, bountiful of food on the table for every meal. But still, I'm just 21. I'm a hot blooded young adult who want to explore the world. Not till the limit where I neglect my responsibility as a child but I do feel unfair most of the time. I'm in charge of the household chores and stuff. I know I should help out whenever I can but I can't help but feeling frustrated. And I'm totally ashamed to feel this way. It's just not fair. He can do whatever he want while I need to ask for permissions and plan my schedule according to your liking. Tonight, I felt that it's the best to just stop chasing my dreams and just stay at home and do whatever that you wanted me to do. Often I feel afraid. Afraid that I will disappoint you. You always say "its okay, you did your best." But you act the other way round. I feel pressured every time the exam seasons come. I feel pressured when my friends invite me to somewhere. I'm even anxious when I receive an opportunity to gain experiences. I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. All I know is I need to fulfil all your needs in order to be entitled as a good child or I'm a shame of the family. I'm grateful of the effort that you put to raise me up and that's why I can't say it out loud to u. I just need a place to write all this out.