I've been trying very hard to be optimistic but this is my limit. Since I was born, I am given a threshold that I have to reach. After I achieved the threshold, there will be another high threshold. There's no end to it. I want to enjoy life like my peers do. Travelling, making new experience, meeting new people. I'm thirsty for those experiences. How I wish I could join them when I see their invitations. How I wish I can be in the photos that they uploaded on social medias. I know I should be grateful that I have a complete family, a roof over my head, bountiful of food on the table for every meal. But still, I'm just 21. I'm a hot blooded young adult who want to explore the world. Not till the limit where I neglect my responsibility as a child but I do feel unfair most of the time. I'm in charge of the household chores and stuff. I know I should help out whenever I can but I can't help but feeling frustrated. And I'm totally ashamed to feel this way. It's just not fair. He can do whatever he want while I need to ask for permissions and plan my schedule according to your liking. Tonight, I felt that it's the best to just stop chasing my dreams and just stay at home and do whatever that you wanted me to do. Often I feel afraid. Afraid that I will disappoint you. You always say "its okay, you did your best." But you act the other way round. I feel pressured every time the exam seasons come. I feel pressured when my friends invite me to somewhere. I'm even anxious when I receive an opportunity to gain experiences. I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. All I know is I need to fulfil all your needs in order to be entitled as a good child or I'm a shame of the family. I'm grateful of the effort that you put to raise me up and that's why I can't say it out loud to u. I just need a place to write all this out.

I thought I can do it

It has been more than a month since I started university life in UniSZA at Kuala Terengganu, I thought that I already adapt to this university but I just realised that I'm not. Not at all. A week holiday where I enjoyed being at home, surrounded my love ones who took care of me like I'm a precious jewel. And today, I took the flight back to Kuala Terengganu from Kuala Lumpur, at this moment, almost 12 hours after I landed here since 8 o'clock in the morning, the feeling of homesick hits me. The lump that I had been trying to push down is forcing its way up my throat. I can't be like this. I have to stand up and face it. To get good result for my future or all my efforts for all these years will go down the drain. I will only myself to cry only tonight...only tonight....

I'm back

It has been more than a year since I last posted something here. A sudden emptiness filed in when STPM ended. I've been helping around the house, enjoying things that I always wanted to do when I'm studying like going to concert, watching dramas and reality shows and etc. I will blog more from now onwards since it had been on of my favourite pastime.

I'm  given 2 weeks of holiday which I should be using it for studying for the papers that I'm going to take and retake in the next 2 months. But I wasted the first week being sick where I can't concentrate at all. I want to go back to the first week so much to do much much more. STOP! CHAI XI TIAN! IT'S NO USE LOOKING BACK. START STUDYING NOW!

Currently, I am cleaning up a room for my study room. I want to study as my bed as possible. Hope this can prevent me from lying down during my study and eventually fall asleep. I so not disciplined. I should learn to be one. Cleaning and rearranging  a rooms is not easy. There are so many things to clean and organise. I wonder should I put the cleaning aside and start studying or continue the cleaning? Mom said that it's the Hungry Ghost Month now so it's bad to rearrange things. I'm in dilemma now. I don't want to make Mom worry but at the same time I want to finish the cleaning and start anew. Oh My!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, out that aside first. Yesterday I went to IKEA to find some shelves and a rack for organizing the clothes. I did find the rack but no luck on the shelves. However, I had a fun time looking at all the things in IKEA and having lunch at the food court. 

These days, I feel I'm more isolated from the world outside me. Its like I prefer to stay within my comfort zone than exploring the adventure outside of my zone. I know I shouldn't be like this but I can't help it. The most safe and calming is when I'm at home, best is in a corner which I can consider my own. But I've decided that I will step out of this comfort zone and improve myself for the better.

I can't believe how blessed I am until today.
Listening to Han Ning' s and Yee Ling's story of things that they face throughout 19 years of their life,
I do face them too but I really feel that they are much much stronger than me.
I learned to cherish every single moment of my life.
No matter how hard can be.
I will be strong.
Because,
I know after all the rain the sun will come out shining.
Just like life.
There are ups and downs.