I don't know what did I get myself into. I'm supposed to study for my finals now. My finals begin in three days time and yet on the 25th, I need to participate in a singing competition, singing Malay song. I don't have the mood for this. I just want to focus on my finals. Is that too much to ask? Why can't you just reject them? All universities are having their finals now. Can't we focus on ours? Can't we? You know how important finals are to me. And yet you are doing this to me. Why? Why? Just........why?

I've been trying very hard to be optimistic but this is my limit. Since I was born, I am given a threshold that I have to reach. After I achieved the threshold, there will be another high threshold. There's no end to it. I want to enjoy life like my peers do. Travelling, making new experience, meeting new people. I'm thirsty for those experiences. How I wish I could join them when I see their invitations. How I wish I can be in the photos that they uploaded on social medias. I know I should be grateful that I have a complete family, a roof over my head, bountiful of food on the table for every meal. But still, I'm just 21. I'm a hot blooded young adult who want to explore the world. Not till the limit where I neglect my responsibility as a child but I do feel unfair most of the time. I'm in charge of the household chores and stuff. I know I should help out whenever I can but I can't help but feeling frustrated. And I'm totally ashamed to feel this way. It's just not fair. He can do whatever he want while I need to ask for permissions and plan my schedule according to your liking. Tonight, I felt that it's the best to just stop chasing my dreams and just stay at home and do whatever that you wanted me to do. Often I feel afraid. Afraid that I will disappoint you. You always say "its okay, you did your best." But you act the other way round. I feel pressured every time the exam seasons come. I feel pressured when my friends invite me to somewhere. I'm even anxious when I receive an opportunity to gain experiences. I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. All I know is I need to fulfil all your needs in order to be entitled as a good child or I'm a shame of the family. I'm grateful of the effort that you put to raise me up and that's why I can't say it out loud to u. I just need a place to write all this out.

I thought I can do it

It has been more than a month since I started university life in UniSZA at Kuala Terengganu, I thought that I already adapt to this university but I just realised that I'm not. Not at all. A week holiday where I enjoyed being at home, surrounded my love ones who took care of me like I'm a precious jewel. And today, I took the flight back to Kuala Terengganu from Kuala Lumpur, at this moment, almost 12 hours after I landed here since 8 o'clock in the morning, the feeling of homesick hits me. The lump that I had been trying to push down is forcing its way up my throat. I can't be like this. I have to stand up and face it. To get good result for my future or all my efforts for all these years will go down the drain. I will only myself to cry only tonight...only tonight....

I'm back

It has been more than a year since I last posted something here. A sudden emptiness filed in when STPM ended. I've been helping around the house, enjoying things that I always wanted to do when I'm studying like going to concert, watching dramas and reality shows and etc. I will blog more from now onwards since it had been on of my favourite pastime.

I'm  given 2 weeks of holiday which I should be using it for studying for the papers that I'm going to take and retake in the next 2 months. But I wasted the first week being sick where I can't concentrate at all. I want to go back to the first week so much to do much much more. STOP! CHAI XI TIAN! IT'S NO USE LOOKING BACK. START STUDYING NOW!

Currently, I am cleaning up a room for my study room. I want to study as my bed as possible. Hope this can prevent me from lying down during my study and eventually fall asleep. I so not disciplined. I should learn to be one. Cleaning and rearranging  a rooms is not easy. There are so many things to clean and organise. I wonder should I put the cleaning aside and start studying or continue the cleaning? Mom said that it's the Hungry Ghost Month now so it's bad to rearrange things. I'm in dilemma now. I don't want to make Mom worry but at the same time I want to finish the cleaning and start anew. Oh My!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, out that aside first. Yesterday I went to IKEA to find some shelves and a rack for organizing the clothes. I did find the rack but no luck on the shelves. However, I had a fun time looking at all the things in IKEA and having lunch at the food court. 

These days, I feel I'm more isolated from the world outside me. Its like I prefer to stay within my comfort zone than exploring the adventure outside of my zone. I know I shouldn't be like this but I can't help it. The most safe and calming is when I'm at home, best is in a corner which I can consider my own. But I've decided that I will step out of this comfort zone and improve myself for the better.

I can't believe how blessed I am until today.
Listening to Han Ning' s and Yee Ling's story of things that they face throughout 19 years of their life,
I do face them too but I really feel that they are much much stronger than me.
I learned to cherish every single moment of my life.
No matter how hard can be.
I will be strong.
Because,
I know after all the rain the sun will come out shining.
Just like life.
There are ups and downs.

Reality

I don't believe in materialism until today. I can't believe how can a person can be blinded so much by materialism that he/ she can treat his/her own elder brother that way. I just can't believe it. Everyday, I heard my mom and aunt talking to the phone. I wonder if all these are the truth. I chose to be ignorant about it. Till today, my mom told me the whole story and I just looked at her, thinking, "Are you serious? How can that be? He is his/her brother? Why?". So many unanswered questions. My mom just say one word, "Materialistic"and BOOM! I just realized how cruel this world is. I can accept people being materialistic towards outsiders but your FAMILY! Aren't family the most important people in your life,aren't they? I'm speechless about it. To me, family is my everything and MY DEFINITION of family are not just blood-related individuals but also some of my close friends and those whom I loved very very VERY MUCH!

P/S: If you ever stumble to my blog and reading this post, I hope you can calm down and put your priorities right. And I will always be there to listen to your problems though I won't be giving advices.

Mouth and Ears

" We can't control other's mouth but we can choose when to close out ears"

As I am born with a quite sensitive ear,
I tend to overhear things that I don't like.
Or maybe I focus on things that I don't like to hear?
I don't know.
But today,
I'm  able to shut myself from hearing things that annoyed me.
And I will try harder everyday.
So that I can completely control what I want to hear for my own good.
And ignore whatever that make me annoyed and destroy my day.

Silence is a woman's loudest cry

This statement.
I heard it from many people around me telling me this fact.
At that time I don't understand.
How can you be silent when you are in so much pain.
Today is the day I felt it.
When you told me that,
It felt like my body was not in my control anymore.
I knew you are waiting for me to respond but,
All I did is lying there on my bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
In silence.
While my heart shattered in million pieces.
I don't blame you for what you did.
I just need time to absorb what is happening to me.
And finally,
I give in.
My body was shaking,
Tears running down my cheeks.
A silent cry.
That was heard by no one.

Shocked

I was shocked by the level of injustice happen here.

Those who are right are twisted to be the wrong ones by other people because they don't dare to admit the truth that is said.

Now, I'm starting to doubt the level of intelligence of our nation.

Are we able to continue to develop our country with this kind of ignorance?

Are we able to compete with other countries which are developing faster and better than us?

Please, don't let the remaining faith that I have towards our country's development turn to dust.

And blown away by the wind to nowhere.

Everything has it's limit and when the limit is crossed, it's just show how ignorant we are.

First Week of January

The first week of January is coming to an end in a flash. I can't believe school had already started for 3 days! I'm thankful that this year the school starts one Wednesday and not Monday even though school starts on the day after New Year.

3. 1. 2012
First day of school and for the first time in so many years, I'm able to wake up and not feeling drowsy since. Adjusting myself with school life after one an a half month holiday. Seeing the Form 1s accompanied by their parents. The nervousness in their eyes. I used to be like that six years ago. The only difference is I'm all alone as my parents can't accompany me. I'm glad of that as I can learn to stand and try to face the new environment alone. My class has changed from Block E to Block D which is the oven of SAB! Wow! I really feel being baked inside! Wonder how I can survive in that block when I was Form 4? Hm...Met my friends. I'm really happy meeting them after 2 weeks. Somehow seeing them smile to me and smiling back bring some kind of warm to me.Insecurity? I don't know. That pretty much about today.

4. 1. 2012
Hm....The weather today was not bad. Quite cooling compared to the day before. Lessons start and I should put my study mood on and start doing the revisions and etc.....The only problem is I still have a bit of slacking mode on.

5. 1. 2012
Finally, Friday! School ends earlier. Went to tuition with Xi Yuan, Han Ning, Yuen Yee, Qi Ying, Cheng Cheng, Yee Ling and YIN SIEW! At last, you are going for tuition! Had so much fun with them. First time hanging out or does it count as hang out? with Yin Siew. And help her finding her class and chatting with her is so much fun! Eu Nis! That is the first time I saw how happy she is. The pure smile on her face is so priceless. I really learn a lot that day. Not just from tuition but also my friends on how I should lead my life. Mr Linggam (is this how his name is spelled?) is like my weekly boost to study harder and do my best in everything in my life. It's hard to find a teacher who is so dedicated and only speaks the truth without having anything to hide from you. I wonder whether I have a chance to meet him again after STPM is over. Uni?

I have learn that happiness is just around me. I just have to look and there it is! Be optimistic and positive about life and everything will appear not as bad as you imagine and you can so anything you want as long as you go for it. For those who visit and read my posts, thank you so much for visiting this blog of mine. My aim this year is to be myself and stop trying to please anyone by changing into something else and I hope to bring smiles to everyone even is its only one person.

Youtube videos

Just went and watch back the piano covers that I uploaded since 3 years ago.
It's been a long time since the last time I uploaded a piano cover.
I've decided that I need to start doing piano cover again.
Piano has been my companion for more than 10 years.
I want to rebuild the passion that I had back then.
I don't want to give up on this because of the excuse for being too busy studying.

I've decided.

To move on.

To never look back.

To step out from the comfort zone that I've cling on for all these years.

Be healthy so that you can enjoy life more

Trial

Having Biology and Mathematics T tomorrow but I'm here, typing words which I shouldn't do. I feel so stressed out (due to no preparation). I will go back to study after posting this. Today was Pengajian Am and Chemistry. 

Pengajian Am, hmmm......I would say not as bad as I think but I just manage to finish and the time ends and there are some questions that I just banged on them because I have no idea what the hell are those. @.@

Chemistry, confused from the objective questions to the essays. Luckily the essays are at least kinder but still I'm not able to finish them. T.T

Biology and Mathematics T, please be kind to me tomorrow. Don't be so cruel. It's my first time taking SPTM full format. 

Note to self, after this trial, rest one day and start studying! No delay anymore. Barely a month left and you still have loads to revise! Gambateh! Fighting! 加油！Good Luck! (To all the Lower 6 SABIANS and to the Form 3's )

MUET

Today MUET speaking trial was the most tension one I've ever had.
The atmosphere was so tense with only 4 candidates and Pn. Usha.
I'm lucky for I got a question that I'm familiar with.
Or else, I will be in the hot soup.
The trial went quite ok for Task A but quite a disaster for Task B.
I still need to improve on my confidence and the smoothness in my speaking.
I hope I can be calmer and more alert for the following practices and the real examination
With two unknown examiners.
Please be kind to me

42 days to go

Flipping sound of revision books

The sound of people punching numbers into their calculators

Phrases "OMG! STPM!" from both upper and lower six students

"You all should start studying a long time ago"

"Wake up from your LALALAND!"

"Don't slack"

"No games, facebook, twitter, internet, etc...."

From the parents and teachers.

For these few weeks

I can't stop staring at my books!

Wondering how much more I have to cover

How much have I really understood them

Flipping them over and over again

Some subjects treat me well while some kills me without mercy

Even though I'm busy I think I should not abandon my blog 

Where I pour out all my heart and soul

My misery, happiness

I should put more memories of my life here 

For one day I will come back 

And read them one by one

Mesmerized by all the things 

That happen in my journey of life.

I Love You Forever Lee Chong Wei

This post is dedicated to Datuk Lee Chong Wei :

I'm proud of you and I will respect you for all you have done for Malaysia.

You showed me your pride as a Malaysian.

You will always be my inspiration.

Thank you for bringing Malaysia to the eyes of the world.

To show your spirit in badminton and sports.

I respect your humbleness.

There's no need to apologize or to shed tears

Because,

I and all the Malaysian are proud of you and we always will.

You may lost the medal but you gain the respect of the whole nation

In my heart you deserve the gold medal more than any atheletes that participated

Love you forever for you are the best to us

Being the youngest in the family, everyone should have an impression that I'm a very spoiled child. The truth is, I'm not because my parents doesn't bring me up like a princess who get whatever she wants with a few crying or thrashing here and there. My parents taught me that I have to work for things that I want. In this world, there's always a give and take situation. But today, I hurt my mom's feeling. I felt so bad that I don't know what should I do. I just sit there staring at my Biology book instead of studying it for the small test that my teacher said he is going to give tomorrow. From now on, I've made my decision to not to hurt me parents' feelings. NEVER!  I'm sorry, mom.

It's time

To 

Stop dreaming

Stop procrastinating

Stop giving myself so many excuses to not work hard

I made 

A promise

A deal

I decided

To stand up high

And face the world once more

I will not let my mistakes in the past to bring me down

Seeing my friends

Studying their minds out

I must at least start  little by little

No more saying

"No mood"

"Tired"

"I can't"

"I've done my best"

These words will not be in my dictionary anymore

This is the second chance given to me

I will not let it go without a FIGHT