I don't know what did I get myself into. I'm supposed to study for my finals now. My finals begin in three days time and yet on the 25th, I need to participate in a singing competition, singing Malay song. I don't have the mood for this. I just want to focus on my finals. Is that too much to ask? Why can't you just reject them? All universities are having their finals now. Can't we focus on ours? Can't we? You know how important finals are to me. And yet you are doing this to me. Why? Why? Just........why?

I've been trying very hard to be optimistic but this is my limit. Since I was born, I am given a threshold that I have to reach. After I achieved the threshold, there will be another high threshold. There's no end to it. I want to enjoy life like my peers do. Travelling, making new experience, meeting new people. I'm thirsty for those experiences. How I wish I could join them when I see their invitations. How I wish I can be in the photos that they uploaded on social medias. I know I should be grateful that I have a complete family, a roof over my head, bountiful of food on the table for every meal. But still, I'm just 21. I'm a hot blooded young adult who want to explore the world. Not till the limit where I neglect my responsibility as a child but I do feel unfair most of the time. I'm in charge of the household chores and stuff. I know I should help out whenever I can but I can't help but feeling frustrated. And I'm totally ashamed to feel this way. It's just not fair. He can do whatever he want while I need to ask for permissions and plan my schedule according to your liking. Tonight, I felt that it's the best to just stop chasing my dreams and just stay at home and do whatever that you wanted me to do. Often I feel afraid. Afraid that I will disappoint you. You always say "its okay, you did your best." But you act the other way round. I feel pressured every time the exam seasons come. I feel pressured when my friends invite me to somewhere. I'm even anxious when I receive an opportunity to gain experiences. I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. All I know is I need to fulfil all your needs in order to be entitled as a good child or I'm a shame of the family. I'm grateful of the effort that you put to raise me up and that's why I can't say it out loud to u. I just need a place to write all this out.

I thought I can do it

It has been more than a month since I started university life in UniSZA at Kuala Terengganu, I thought that I already adapt to this university but I just realised that I'm not. Not at all. A week holiday where I enjoyed being at home, surrounded my love ones who took care of me like I'm a precious jewel. And today, I took the flight back to Kuala Terengganu from Kuala Lumpur, at this moment, almost 12 hours after I landed here since 8 o'clock in the morning, the feeling of homesick hits me. The lump that I had been trying to push down is forcing its way up my throat. I can't be like this. I have to stand up and face it. To get good result for my future or all my efforts for all these years will go down the drain. I will only myself to cry only tonight...only tonight....

I'm back

It has been more than a year since I last posted something here. A sudden emptiness filed in when STPM ended. I've been helping around the house, enjoying things that I always wanted to do when I'm studying like going to concert, watching dramas and reality shows and etc. I will blog more from now onwards since it had been on of my favourite pastime.

I'm  given 2 weeks of holiday which I should be using it for studying for the papers that I'm going to take and retake in the next 2 months. But I wasted the first week being sick where I can't concentrate at all. I want to go back to the first week so much to do much much more. STOP! CHAI XI TIAN! IT'S NO USE LOOKING BACK. START STUDYING NOW!

Currently, I am cleaning up a room for my study room. I want to study as my bed as possible. Hope this can prevent me from lying down during my study and eventually fall asleep. I so not disciplined. I should learn to be one. Cleaning and rearranging  a rooms is not easy. There are so many things to clean and organise. I wonder should I put the cleaning aside and start studying or continue the cleaning? Mom said that it's the Hungry Ghost Month now so it's bad to rearrange things. I'm in dilemma now. I don't want to make Mom worry but at the same time I want to finish the cleaning and start anew. Oh My!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, out that aside first. Yesterday I went to IKEA to find some shelves and a rack for organizing the clothes. I did find the rack but no luck on the shelves. However, I had a fun time looking at all the things in IKEA and having lunch at the food court. 

These days, I feel I'm more isolated from the world outside me. Its like I prefer to stay within my comfort zone than exploring the adventure outside of my zone. I know I shouldn't be like this but I can't help it. The most safe and calming is when I'm at home, best is in a corner which I can consider my own. But I've decided that I will step out of this comfort zone and improve myself for the better.